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[14 Jan 2009|02:31pm] |
applying to grad school makes me angry
a lot of things make me angry
i am an angry person.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
but i love my friends
they are amazing and are going to be the one and only thing i look forward to this semester
xoxoxoxoxo
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| ok... |
[17 Oct 2008|02:15pm] |
for some reason little comments are fucking pissing me off today
i was walking behind the psycho bio work group in our senior psych research class and before they notice that it's me they say... "wow we actually got out before the art/music group did.. we are usually there all afternoon.. because we usually work.. like REALYY work."
you know what? GO FUCK YOURSELF.
just because we have ADD and ADHD instead of fucking OCD were everything has to be perfect and you have to please the teacher or you don't have any self esteem
you know i'm not quite sure this splitting of the groups was such a good idea on Kathy's part because it really did segregate us into various personality groups as well... it's true the art/music group gets out early to go smoke or drink and then jam or paint/draw but what the fuck is wrong with that??
just go to your fucking sports practice and stay up all night worrying how you are going to get an A well fuck you. my GPA is probably just as good, if not better than yours .. but unlike you i don't care about a fucking number or that my report is edit free i care about living and being real and honest and compassionate and not putting down people ... well i am in this case cause i'm bitchy but she started it lol
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| wow.. a year has gone by. |
[15 Oct 2008|02:06pm] |
Looking back at my last posts I see that nothing has really change.
I have to learn to let things go and listent to my gut better.
Mom's getting married in a few days. holy shit.
and i still don't believe in love because it all is a game.
it's all about the he said she said bullshit.
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| happyhalloween? |
[31 Oct 2007|12:47am] |
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divorces suck
but friends are amazing
8)
homework sucks
but extentions are wonderful
8)
spending money when you are trying to save sucks
but my new boots kick ass
8)
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| OMG... |
[24 Oct 2007|04:01pm] |
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so i told on him and what does my boss do? she runs to go catch him to tell him not to use the condom because it had a hole in it from being tacked on the board!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL this day could not get anymore akward LOL
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| jeezitsandcheerios |
[24 Oct 2007|03:51pm] |
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so i totally just saw a male (whom will remain anonymous) rip off a condom from the board in Health Services. DUDE... if you are having sex, you should be a man about it and just buy some god damn condoms. jeezitz. what has this world come to?
i am i took about fifty free ones from a bag on my RA's door but i wouldn't steal them... come on!!
oh and i'm totally going to tell on him...you know i will lol OR MAYBE i should just laugh
but really is quite amazing to me how sexuality effects different ppl in different ways
i need to run because i had a dream that i ran and ran and ran (from ex for some reason) and then i stopped and realize how cool i was because i had ran so far and it didn't hurt
and then Ian showed up and drove a motorcycle out of the garage that me, him, and my ex was standing in. as he drove away i smiled.
fucked up. i know. you know what else is fucked up? lab reports.. fuck
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| is this the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning? |
[11 Aug 2007|07:52pm] |
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"i hate to bring it up but when do you go back to school"
next sunday
"wow. that sucks"
ya
"how far is Richmond?"
two hours
"i should be able to visit you"
you better
"i will"
... i can't believe we are doing this ... we are crazy... maybe we are in love
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| one more week.... |
[28 Jul 2007|05:30pm] |
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and i get a couple weeks of summer until school starts again
i feel like a freshman again... i have this anxiety about going to school that i haven't had in quite awhile
bridal shopping with michelle was insane
i wanted to cry and kick and tell her to stop growing up
she isn't suppose to do that
but she bought the dress anyway. lol
then my boy came over and hung out with the girls and i
i thought it would be akward but it wasn't
we were all to happy with liquour in our hands to feel any sort of akward
my heart always sinks when he has to leave
i know it's going to break when i have to
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| fuck |
[23 Jul 2007|09:10pm] |
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fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
"i think you need friends"
... i have friends
"where are these so called friends?"
....FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i thought i was in love with you and then you make me feel like an outcast ... god dammit
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| i don't care too much for money... money can't buy me love |
[21 Jul 2007|02:09am] |
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i can't sleep again
i think i'm asleep and then i start to hear everything freaking sound in my room
and i realize i'm awake and yell "FUCK"!!
because that's when i know... it's an insomniac night
i've been feeling weird lately anyway
because i know that this summer is going to end
i've been pretending it wouldn't for quite sometime
the truth is this summer has been fucking crazy.... death... new relationship.... mom living in Kentucky... bladder infections... stupid job....stupid people at stupid job
i guess i just feel like i need more time to relax
two more weeks of work and then i'll have two weeks before school
two weeks to relax and feel out this whole boyfriend thing
we haven't really talked about what we are going to do when i go to school
i've been thinking about it a lot but never come to one real decision
so i don't think i should bring it up until i have a pretty good idea of what i want
but what i really want is to have my mom make me blueberry pancakes and take me too the mall
and for my mom and dad to stop argueing and be happy
i just want my family back
but by the time she is back.... i'll be gone
god dammit
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| fuck |
[09 Jul 2007|07:09pm] |
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i haven't seen him in two weeks
and what's the first fucking thing he wants to do...
go to a movie with with one of his friends who
happens to be 15
and happens to be a girl
and happens to be the one of a few girls that he parties with
yes i'm jealous.... i've already established this before we were even official
i just don't understand why a 20 year old guy wants to "hang out" with 15-16yr old girls.... girls.... that's right they are girls. god... i'm a bitch
i have turned into one of those bitches that is obcessed with seeing the negative in every god damn situation with their man
he says i have nothing to worry about and that they are just his friends
JUST friends
but that he will not change and would hate it more than anything if i wanted him to change
he wants me to meet them but i'm not sure if i want to
i mean i will, out of respect but i will be so fake
i will be fighting myself the whole entire time
god dammit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
when did i turn into such a jealous girl?
i never use to be this way
but i never had a reason to be before, either
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| despite all my rage... i'm still just a rat in a cage |
[24 Jun 2007|02:34pm] |
| [ |
music |
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smashing pumpkins |
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"tell me i'm the only one"
i need to move
indiana sucks ass hole
... now that that is out of the way
i need to go somewhere and do something
i have exactly 10 days off soon.... and i REALLY want to get the hell out of here
i wish the Missouri plan hadn't fell through
anybody not doing anything the 29-8th?????
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| the lists of the day |
[19 Jun 2007|08:36pm] |
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things that suck:
- an insomniac/anxiety ridden night
- a bladder infection
- not being able to trust the one you care for even though you really want to and have no real reason not to
- kids that have to be taken out of their abusive homes
- rainy,humid weather
- long lines
- when your car mysteriously smells like piss
things that don't suck:
- warm embraces
- a conversation with my mom ... a real one
- ice cream sandwiches
- blueberries
- antibiotics
- loving foster parents
- hearing the one you care for tell you that you are special (and not like retarded special)
- running until you are convinced that you could take flight at any moment
- laughing
all in all i have more thing that don't suck than suck in my life .. so once again i need to give thanks for how great i really do have it
damn the suck and not suck lists.... they get me every time
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| fuck ya! |
[06 Jun 2007|06:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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bouncy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Harvey Danger |
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so jenn invited me to go to the honda civic tour with her
... so excited!
here's the line up..
+44
The Academy is
Paul Wall
and ... (jackie i'm sorry you can't come)... Cobra Starship
work is going okay
it's going to take me awhile to get use to 8hr days but oh well
i have a new favorite kid
if i was out of school and had a good job
there is no doubt, hands down, i would adopt him and his brother
they were abused
as babies... ya you heard me.... babies
he's 6 and his favorite color is black
he covers his face when you talks and he looks at the world with eyes that have never seen affection or trust
today he asked if he could sit in my lap
and i almost cried
it's these moments that i know that i'm doing what i love
i love being there for children who have felt so alone for so long
i love to watch them blossom and become confident and happy
why someone would neglect these two beautiful boys is beyond me
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| i grew balls |
[25 May 2007|04:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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cheerful |
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| [ |
music |
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reggie and the full effect |
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i finally asked him
and it's true
he really cares about me and spent several hours explaining last summer and all it's aftermath
i'm happy
i haven't had a boyfriend in two years
it's a feeling of excitement that i haven't felt in so long
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i'm happy....
this is insane! lol
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[16 May 2007|01:20am] |
| [ |
mood |
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amused |
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| [ |
music |
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raindrops on rooftops and leaves whispering in the wind |
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i can't eat
the thought of food makes me want to vomit
i don't know what's up with that
but i hope it goes away
my running schedule has been lacking
i hope i get to run in the rain sometime... for a long time ... i think it would be have the essence of a music video
i'm suppose to spend the whold day with michelle tomorrow and i am very excited. i hope we get to picnic by the ohio river and talk about our vaginas because somehow every conversation i have with her ends with us and our vaginas lol i love it
i'm making oatmeal cookies on friday and they will be the best cookies IN THE WORLD... i can feel it... i hope my godparents will like them. it's one of only a few ways that i can nochalantly show them that i love them and am there for them as they are going through this horrible time. i can't wait to be with them this weekend.
i am in a very weird state of mind and manner at this moment of time
i've spent all of last night and most of today/tonight with him
intense would be the word i feel when i am around him
i'm always on edge
whether i should or even can believe what he says
and why the fuck does his phone keep ringing all the fucking time
i know he has a lot of friends but god damn
i wish i had the balls to ask him what he really thought of me
the truth
maybe i don't want to beleive that he is telling the truth because then i might be happy
then i might trust him
i don't think i want to trust him
it's a hell of a lot easier not to
i think i just had a revolation ... i don't want to trust guys when it comes to my heart
i haven't for a long time
i have no need really
why trust someone with your heart when you
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i like him i do but this analyzing thing has to stop
right now.
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| losing a loved one... |
[21 Apr 2007|07:14pm] |
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my godbrother, Jess was killed in a car accident
he was 17
i've known him before he was even born
so many pictures of us playing in bathtubs as babies to goofing around as teenagers
and the memories of when we went to mexico this past summer
he was a good kid
he was the closest thing i ever had to a brother
and i've never felt this broken before
i've never lost someone before
this is all so new to me
i can't sleep
food has no taste
and the wave of tears comes in uncontrolled intervels that seem to never stop
my hear goes out to my godparents
it will be so good to be in their arms
i can't imagine what they are going through
i miss him and i am still in denial that this has really happened
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[05 Apr 2007|10:16am] |
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Nelson Bingham taught the coolest fucking lecture ever!
Thanks to him, I was inspired to finally ask my dad if i could contact the smith family i've never known and do a geneology project on this "supposed" family I am related to but know nothing about, nor have ever met. Most of these people my dad hasn't met either, he's not to fond of them since they abadoned him when he was six when his dad commited suicide and also killed his baby brother and sister.
Summer plans: playing detective, psychoanalysis, and researcher on the mistery that is my supposed family
I'M SO FUCKING EXCITED!!!!
love,
Emerald
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| rawwwwrrrrr |
[02 Apr 2007|02:02pm] |
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life is good today
because it's constant, routine, and there's a lot of sunshine
which always seems to make life better
i had insomnia again
took a shower at 3am and almost fell on my prospie
i don't feel tired at all though
it's kind of like my brain goes on strike and won't relax
even sleep aids won't make it relax
aww well
summer is so close i can almost taste it
i hope it has as many adventures as last summer
although i won't be going out of the country, i hope to go on a road trip when pam gets back from texas, i'd like to check out Philly before i move there next year, just so it's not such a big surprise
thinking about the summer without bonnie and pam is hard
but i hope to make some good money and enjoy some good books
registering for classes is getting me stressed out
it seems that webdb will only allow my schedule to have 13 or 18
i might just be crazy but i would like a happy medium
i really can't complain though
there are four more weeks of school and that's what i'm trying to focus on
have a grand day!!!
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| stressed out |
[21 Feb 2007|04:33pm] |
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okay... let me get the facts here
two days of no classes + so much fucking homework = mid-semester break??
i'm not good at math but that doesn't seem to add up
fuck
...someone might just have to go to dinner drunk tonight
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